the quickest guide to
TO VISITING SCOTLAND
(written by a Scottish guy)
SCOTLAND? Isn’t the weather mostly shite?
Aye, it rains a lot here and sometimes the wind hurts your face.
We had a cracking summer in 1996. People still talk about it.
WHAT ABOUT THE midges?
These wee bastards are a nightmare and can reduce a grown man (a foreign one) to a sobbing, emotional wreck.
They swarm in their millions, forming a darkened, evil cloud that looks like it came from the devil’s own arse.
Food that can kill you
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare”
“Don’t eat the macaroni pies”
But it’s better than england.
There are LOADS of websites full of information about visiting Scotland.
This website is for people who are staying for around 1 week and want to go home feeling like they’ve seen the best Scotland has to offer.
That’s the problem with official websites - they’re government funded and they can’t be seen to pick favourites.
I’ve lived in Scotland my entire life, and if you’re coming for a week then read on to see my recommendations.
We’d just like to point out
If you come on holiday to Scotland without a jacket, don’t blame us.
OK, the weather might not be ideal, but you can bring a jacket.
There are no midges in our hotels. Even the shite ones have windows and doors. I lived in Edinburgh for 12 years and I don’t remember seeing a midge.
The midges are a pain, but you can stay somewhere nice.
I love it. It’s brilliant. Give me a full Scottish breakfast and a can of Irn-Bru any day over your Michelin starred seaweed.
And see the food I mentioned?
START IN Edinburgh
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The Castle
See that big rock? That’s the Castle. It’s been sat up there on an auld volcano for about a thousand years.
It's interesting to see, and the view is class. They’ve got all the shiny stuff (the Scottish crown jewels) and they fire a massive cannon every day at one o’clock, just to make the tourists jump.
Get up there, take a look, but don't buy a five quid bottle of water.
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the fringe
Every August, the city turns into one massive theatre.
Every basement, cupboard, and shitey pub back room has some joker in it, trying to make it big. It's beautiful chaos.
You’ll see weirdos juggling fire next to some stand-up wanker who thinks he’s Billy Connolly.
The accommodation prices are sky high and you can’t move for tourists, but it’s the best street party on the planet so get stuck in.
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THE PALACE OF HOLYROOD HOUSE
This is King Charlie’s official pad when he pops up for a week every summer.
Holyrood Palace is most famous for the drama. Mary, Queen of Scots lived here, and the rumour at the time was that she was pumping her secretary, Rizzio.
Her husband, Lord Darnley, was having none of it. He burst into the dining room with his pals, grabbed wee Rizzio and stabbed the wee guy 56 times.
Edinburgh castle
The most popular tourist attraction in our bestest city. You cannae come and no go.
spooky stories
Edinburgh has more than it’s fair share of spooky stories. Well worth hearing about how grim life in the capital used to be. To think we just moan about the traffic now.
WRITTEN WITH EH, AYE! NOT AI.
WRITTEN WITH EH, AYE! NOT AI.
the palace of holyrood house
Brilliant history, right next to the controversial Scottish parliament (it cost 10x the estimate and looks stupid) and a wee stroll from Arthur’s Seat.
HEADING UP TO THE HIGHLANDS
LOCH NESS
The Highlands are Europe’s last great wilderness and there is nowhere else like it. It’s rightly famous for its hospitality.
Loch Ness is majestic. And massive. It holds more water than all the lakes, rivers, and reservoirs in England and Wales combined. At 213 metres deep (that’s deeper than the Norh Sea) and 23 miles long, we’re talking serious volume here.
You’ll hear about the Loch Ness Monster, which is undoubtedly one of the greatest marketing tricks of all time.
Like the biggest geek in school, Glencoe is famous for its geography and its history. Even now, centuries after the infamous massacre, the scenery combines with the weather to put a shiver down your spine.
The famous glen is flanked by peaks called Buachaille Etive Mòr and the Three Sisters. In Scotland, summits exceeding 3000 feet (914 metres) are known as Munros and there are 282 of them. Reaching a summit is known as “bagging” a Munro, and “Munro bagging” is a popular past-time.
Extreme Weather: Glencoe is one of the wettest places in Scotland, receiving an average of 118 inches (3000 mm) of rain every year. The rain feeds some spectacular waterfalls and keeps the mountains looking so green.
Glencoe is a magnet for adventurers, with over 150,000 mountaineers visiting every year.